One afternoon, we were playing at a park. Miles kicked the ball towards the basket ball court. One of the guys was trying to be helpful and he threw the ball back towards Miles and it ended up hitting him smack in the face. Miles started bawling. The man & his friend came rushing to Miles, saying, "stop crying. Toughen up, toughen up...".
Toughen up?
Did it make them feel uncomfortable to see a little boy cry? Were they told the same thing when they were little boys? I know that if that ball hit me in the face, I'd be bawling too. But if the scenario were let's say, different--Miles getting his feelings hurt from someone, making him feel sad, causing him to cry, I wouldn't want him to "toughen up." In either case, his reactions and emotions are valid, and if he needs to cry, he should. He shouldn't be expected to "toughen up" at age 4 or any age for that matter. Usually a thicker skin just comes after years of experiencing different things life throws at us. But at age 4, I don't expect him to have a "thick skin." What kind of boy would I be raising if I told him that it was not ok to cry in these circumstances?
I'll tell you what kind of boy he would turn out to be if he weren't allowed to cry when he got hurt, upset, angry, sad, etc. I would be raising a boy that would just bottle up those feelings and end up manifesting it in another way, like punching a wall, being less compassionate towards himself and less empathetic to others. I would be raising him to feel like it's not ok for him to feel those basic human feelings and instead--it's better to be numb, suppress those emotions, stunting his emotional development.
What kind of socialization is that for our boys?
I remember one of his teachers once told me that Miles was "a little more sensitive than the other boys on the playground." I felt like maybe he was in the wrong class! She's a great teacher--Miles loves her--but I thought about what that entailed. Where was she coming from? Was it more acceptable for him to be more rough around the edges? Impulsive? Mean? I am aware of the fact that many people do come with an old school way of thinking, placing certain gender roles on kids from an early age. I'm not saying that I'm innocent of that. But I'm not gonna stick to the traditional ways of raising kids just cause that's how my parents did it or because that's how a lot of parents do it. I'm not gonna teach Miles that he can't cry. I'm not gonna tell him to "toughen up" or "be a man," and ignore what he's feeling. That seems a bit backwards to me. It also makes me think of why so many men have trouble dealing with feeling vulnerable--as grown men. It's like they never learned how to name these basic emotions and articulate it.
When Miles cries, I don't tell him to stop. Usually he cries til he feels better. I mean, that's what I do to when I'm feeling bad. His father too. And when he's finished, I'll ask him how he's feeling, and when he says, "I was feeling sad mom" his ability to communicate his emotions let's me know that this is one simple way we can nurture his emotional development. Allow him space to feel whatever it is he's feeling and work through it by himself and when he needs help & comfort, we're there for that too.
